:''(

I don't get it. So we meet (finally), and it was great. Then 2 days later, he stops picking up my calls and doesnt reply my million smses. I was there. I was right there. Why did he do this? He is completely ignoring me so I have no idea. I guess it is obvious that he just didnt care enough. But dont I at least deserve an explanation.

He must know how much this is hurting me. But still nothing. I was right there. During our drunken conversation, he said he didnt deserve me. But why does he make me feel like I dont deserve him?

Words cannot express how upset I feel. And I cant really tell anyone just how broken he has made me.

I am glad i got to see him, even though it was for a short while. I am glad i get to touch and smell him. Hold his hand and kiss him. But it feels more painful now that I have done all that. I think about him all the time, and it hurts that he probably doesnt think about me at all. It hurts that I cry alot about it, and he is probably smiling and having fun without any thought of me.

This really hurts.

Europe Season 2, Pain Episode 3

I leave for Europe tomorrow night.

A flight I booked only a month ago.

It all started like this: 4 years ago I had an opportunity to go to Germany and to meet W (who's from a neighbouring country). A guy, who is so significant to me but I am so insignificant to him. Long story short, I had asked W to meet me in Germany, but he never did. Most sane people would have been done with him, but I am a silly girl. He said the right things to me at the right time and I couldn't be mad at him. I don't think I will ever be mad at him for long. If you asked me what my biggest regret in my life would be; it would probably be that I didn't just go all the way to him.

So why is W so significant to me? I have no idea. Think it was a millenia ago that we had that connection. But oh that connection.... something you read about it novels and watch on a blockbuster movie. Reach for the stars, over the moon, backflip kinda connection. At least that's what i thought happened. But i must have imagined it because it seems he has no recollection. I've searched and searched for that same connection. Came close few times, but never the same. I always thought that we were so similar, so exact that we often finished each other sentences (and I'm a sucker for someone who can finish my sentence).

We grew apart but I always kept him close in my heart. Hoping that we will one day meet.

So about 2 months ago, I started feeling this strange feeling like the cosmic universe was signaling something to me. A few strange coincidences had led me to believe that this was the right moment that I've been waiting for to finally go and see him. To finally see if he is a fiction of my imagination.

So I went to a tarot card reader and she didn't give me the good news that I wanted to hear. She told me I was wasting my time and to move on. (Yea yea, i already know this.) All the negative advice just made me want to prove her wrong so badly. A few days later, an opportunity came up to go to Germany. I knew this was definitely a sign. All the stars seem to align itself perfectly for this moment, all pointing in the same direction. Its the time for me to correct the mistake I had made 4 years ago.

I told him of my intentions and I knew he didn't sound to enthusiastic but he agreed anyway. I told him if he was not comfortable with it, that he should tell me before i made the commitment. He said ok, but i should have known better. No one in their right mind would have been honest in that situation.

So about a few weeks ago, he stops coming online, doesn't reply my facebook messages, doesn't pick up my calls, no replies on sms, nothing. Nothing. This should have been clear to anyone with a brain, but again, i'm a silly girl. It's not that I'm blind, it's just that I can just accept that he is doing this to me. That he is just going to ignore me until my trip is over and I have to go home. I mean who does that? I must be the worst person in the world to deserve this treatment from anyone. He must think that I am his really annoying psycho stalker or something.

So it's clear as daylight that he doesn't give two shits about me. I have wasted my whole entire life savings on this 'cosmic universe calling'. I will come home broke and to a job I dislike. The one thing I have held on for 6 years, the one thing that helps me wake up every morning, the one goal i've been working towards, the number one on my bucket list, all gone down the drain.

It's too late to take back anything. I will still have to go on this trip. I pray to god that he will be merciful and let me have a good time. If god is in a good mood, maybe he will throw W or a better version of him my way.

I will be on this trip with my fingers crossed the whole way through and hope for the best. I expect some tears and shitty moments; but I need to make the most of what ever crappy hand life has dealt to me. Damn you tarot card lady.

To W,

I always thought you were perfect. Well at least perfect for me. And I always thought you were a carbon copy of me. But I really hope I was wrong. Because I never want to be anything like you. I would never ever treat a person the way you have treated me. I still love you in a sadistic way, but you are not perfect for me. You bloody hell don't deserve me.

Love Lost and Forlorn

Everywhere I go
He's there, staring back at me
Like a ghost of my memories
A reflection of my mind

There are no words of comfort
There is no peace in my head
Only the sorrow that consumes me
The pain i feel inside

heart vs head

im done.
i dont want to call you.
i dont want to be checking up on you so you would talk to me.
i want to stop fooling myself.

but if i leave, you wont come find me.
you wont come after me.
you wont ask me to stay.

but i want you to.
i want you to say you miss me.
i want you to come running after me.
i want you to look for me when i dont show up.
i want you to say you care.
i want you to tell me i mean something to you.

but i dont.
so if i leave, i will lose you.
and thats the last thing i want.
but its the right thing to do.

Wheres My Sense and Sensibility

EMO ALERT!

Ive been reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen and one of the main chars Marianne falls in love with young and dashing Willoughby who both have a total attraction to each other and enjoy each others company completely. But then he tells her he has to go away and wont be back for a long time.

Some of u might see how the nostalgia has hit me. Longing for my summer romance in which i met and fell in love with my prince charming. Only for him to disappear and not tell me. (you know its you if your reading this).

I was so frustrated when i read that Willoughby left. In my head i was screaming, "Why did you leave her, if you loved her so!" So there were strings attached and the path ahead was difficult, but with time and patience, it might have worked out.

I was beyond frustrated now, flipping through the end of the book frantically, wanting and needing to find out if Willoughby came back to Marianne with a million apologies and a hoping heart. Wanting and needing to know my own destiny, if he would run back to me and tell me he was an idiot and that he was sorry.

Willoughby and Marianne did not end up together. Annoyed of being a hopeless romantic, i threw the book on the floor and ran for my only source of comfort.

The magic 8 ball. I knew that he would tell me straight forward without fluff or sugar coatings. I asked if i would ever see him. The answer was as plain as "No".

I've done my part i know, and i know somewhere in the future, he will look back and regret. For i do not see how he can lie to himself that we were anything less then perfect.

SPIW

Ive been an intern for 2 mths now and i think ive been treated well and am pretty lucky to work in a very relaxed enviroment. I get decent work and i dont get bullied. But there are other people i know (and i have experienced a little) that have to do this ridiculous work. You know, making coffee, photocopying, stamp licker, etc.

I have to pay 1k+ rm to do my internship, i dont see why i need to pay to do something like that. Not many interns get thier money's worth and many do not get paid. Many do not even learn anything about thier field of work.

So ive started the Society for the Protection of Intern Welfare (SPIW). Help me help other interns who have been mistreated and misguided by thier institution. Together we can make this world a better place for interns.

:)

attention whore

Its funny how someone likes u for some time and u have no intentions of having anything with that person and actually avoid that person. Then u find out he likes another and you get jealous.

Am i just missing the attention or what?

Customs Killed my Christmas

I got my package from Germany, my prize for 4th place. My sis woke me up and told me and i was so happie... jumping out of bed to go open it. It was like christmas! i felt like a kid happie to open presents! But when i opened the biggest prize (the wooden settlers of catan set), it was empty. The bags and casing were there, but absolutely nothing in it. Empty. Zip. Nada. Zero. And the latch was broken.

It felt like Christmas was ruined. I was waiting so long to get it, just that damn box. We suspect that it might have been customs or the baggage handlers. But theres no way to prove it. So Edwin said he will email them and try and get a replacement. I really hope so, cos i love that set sooo much.

But if anyone knows how to find out what happened or who i can sue for taking my prize, please tell me.

Stop Haunting Me

I'm trying to do different things to distract myself. I want to forget him and things that remind me of him. Cos i know this is getting unhealthy. If he has no concern for me why should i care about him. So im doing different stuff, just trying to keep myself busy.

I was checking an old chat (imvu) and then i see that hes on my friends list. I didnt even know he was on imvu! Where can i go where he doesnt haunt me.

So im getting involved with an old fling again. Hes always been nice to me and hes a good guy. But with him i see so much of him that i wish was different. That i wish was more like the person im trying to forget. I wish we had the same passion, i wish he was just as crazy and fun.

The thing about him (the person i want to forget) is that hes my total equal, and i love that in a partner. We can do the same crazy things and have arguments over religion for hours. I love that he mentally stimulates me. I love the fact that hes practically my twin cos we are so alike in so many ways. And i miss that. And every guy that has come by for a year+ has been compared to him. I know it, i just didnt want to admit him. I wouldnt say i love him, cos i dont think i do. Its just that ive put him on a pedestal, a benchmark. He is my ideal man. I just need to forget that he is, and move on to next best or better.